Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Indian Male Roles in Family

From what I've seen in my husband and his friends (also from Tamil Nadu) they all have a blantant disrespect for their in laws. Their wifes act like it's no big deal and don't even say anything. The guys all laugh about it.

But, if I were to treat his family like he treats mine he would start a HUGE argument. He once told me that his family was now mine and I'd better learn to like it. But, he can't make the same commitment, but expects me to. How does this work and why is it so unbalanced? Shouldn't both sides make the same commitment?

His parents do strange things and things I don't like. He's already told me when we go back (Jan. 06) I will have to do a lot of Hindu things for the children, even though we are both Catholic.

Which brings me to another beef: He made me tell my parents (fundamentalists) about my conversion to Catholicsim, but he never told his. To this day he will not tell them. He said that when the came they would find out on their own. But, now that we are going there --- he's swept it under the rug.


burf said...

alto it is true tht husband's family get some superior status in here, but i tell u that the respect doesnt go down for anyone's parents

i mean i cant think of disrecpecting or less-respecting anyone's parents. if somebodys does this, it is just so crappy

and pls dont generalise that all indian men are like that :(

thedq said...

Well i agree that most indian families are like that. The girl has to keep sacrificing. My mom didnt get to see her parents for years when she came to my dads place. And she was not allowed to call too often. This was in the late 70's. Try doing that to me, i dont think the marriage will last a day! :-D

Gundu White Girl said...

burf - wasn't generalizing, was just wondering if it was socially acceptable or even normal. Sorry didn't mean to offend anyone!! :((

Gundu White Girl said...

Geez that is rough. I just hope she wasn't too far away from her family. I can't imagine adapting to a new place and family and not being able to talk to mine...

Thank god times have changed!!

C said...

Yes, in general there is dis-respect for the in-laws especially among guys. They expect the girl to adopt his family, and dont often do the reverse. Many girls in the previous generations chose to keep quiet.

Even girls however are not exempt from criticism. Many of them criticize the husband's parents to the children and others, and so the tradition continues!! Even though many times, the dislike is justified, there are also times, it is more about finding fault for the sake of finding fault.

However, things are changing. Many women are working and are questioning 'the way things were always done'. And many guys, I know, to their credit are quite open to loving/respecting/serving their wife's family as their own.

burf said...

no no, it is ok

but disrespect is not at all normal

burf said...

i dunno why there are so such comments on ur this post, but i still fell that this is not so rampant in here are it seems

yum said...

I feel its split. Theres some men who disrespect their inlaws but I think thats mostly older generations, or men who have problems/fights with inlaws for whatever reasons.

I think the majority of (Indian)men are at LEAST respectful towards their inlaws, though maybe they dont treat them as highly as their own parents.

The thing is that your husband obviously didnt follow tradition by marrying someone who wasnt Indian. I cant understand why he expect you to be ultra-traditional Indian now. By that I mean "taking his parents as your own" kind of attitude.

Anonymous said...

To begin with, Indian men have major serious mother attachments. When you married your husband, you also married his mother. I know it sounds queer but it's true. Second, the Indian mothers tend to be very, very, very controlling over their in-laws. After all their little boys married another woman -- the horror of it all! That's what you get when you marry into a culture known for inbreeding!!!!

Anonymous said...

in indian set up a girl's parents are not at par with the groom's evenif they are ''good''...
in my case my younger brother was always compared with my younger brother inlaw. every move made by my brother was and is under scanner whereas my brother inlaw's mistakes are sidelined by saying he is young. it hurts. does not it amount to showing disrepsect to my parents

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