Friday, January 06, 2006

I am my own person...

Why do women set each other up for failure? Why do we judge each other and set standards for other women? Why are women so caddy?

This comes from a yahoo group that I'm on. I stated that as an American woman I need to assert my individuality. That means while I am married to my husband I still am seperate. I am my own person. While somethings we share there are others I do not wish to share. I like remaining my own person in a relationship. This means:

That just because my husband is from India,
Just because he has a different cultural
He is a different race
or a different religion

I don't have to change for him. If hubby wanted a perfect Indian wife he could have had one of his choosing.


Nishu said...

yes, no one should change. Love ur love unconditional, without change and viceversa for u...

It is said, No one is perfect, and we love, not because the person is perfect for us but we love when we know perfectly how much imperfect he/she is.

well, haha... love is not only blind but is dumb and deaf also. so enjoy this dummy lil' thing without thinking much. thats what i do.

Grace said...

I don't know... in some ways a marriage is also about encouraging each other to be better people. So, if framed in the right way, a spound asking/wanting you to change may be a good thing. It may lift you up to be a better person in general. We all know we're not perfect and we should try to be a bit more open and accepting to change, in general.

I guess if you say if your hubby wanted the perfect Indian wife, he should have married her, he could say the same thing (if you wanted the perfect American husband, you should have married him). This is a dangerous accusation to make and does nothing to bring the two of you closer. I have seen this in my own relatinship. You are truly best off keeping the frame of reference away from the cultural issues and toward general/personality/gender issues. It is definitely a more successful approach.

If saying these things makes me sound like someone who is judging you or being catty, that is not my intention.


Gundu White Girl said...

I feel the way that one shouldn't be required to change. That being said I also agree with Grace, that if in the right context it can and does it should.

And Grace - I don't consider your comment caddy at all!

I am just feeling pressure from other women to become more Indianized. And, that I'm not Indian enough.

This, thankfully, has never been an issue in our marriage. He's has never asked me to pickup some of these traits and habits.

I think what your talking about is compromise. I am all for that. It makes marriage so much easier! Also, that doesn't just happen in an inter-racial relationship. Compromise is part of being married, and it can be fun!

You are absolutely right @ perfect Indian wife. And, about perfect American husband. Obviously, that's not what I wanted. His honesty and loyalty were something that I couldn't find and when I met him I was so impressed. It didn't matter that he was so different...

Gundu White Girl said...

Caddy (is it catty? sorry guys spelling isn't my strongest point)

I was referring to being in a large group - like out with girlfriends - and discussing an issue. You bring up some controversial points. No sooner three are huddled together tearing you apart...and you are in that same group.

Anonymous said...

Look hon, when you decided to marry, you should have gone to the courts to make sure you would be able to keep your own name when you got hitched instead of losing your identity to your Indian husband. What sort of a feminist are you, anyways?
Marrying in to a culture that treats women like chattel. When are your brains, love?